


Rat (Boy) in the Hat

by RhymePhile



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Crack, F/M, Homage, Humor, Nursery Rhymes, POV First Person, Sexual Humor, Wordcount: 500-1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-04-22
Updated: 1998-04-22
Packaged: 2017-11-18 20:49:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/565139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RhymePhile/pseuds/RhymePhile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A humorous take on Dr. Seuss' "Cat in the Hat" using Krycek, Mulder, and Scully as protagonists</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rat (Boy) in the Hat

**Author's Note:**

> We all know Cat In The Hat...two kids, a girl and a boy, are bored because it is raining, so a Cat comes to play with them, and makes a mess of the house. Read it before reading this; the rhyme scheme will make more sense, since I followed Cat in the Hat pretty closely.
> 
> Set in Season 5, before the first movie aired in May 1998.
> 
> Originally posted to the newsgroup alt.tv.x-files.creative sometime in the spring of 1998. I don't recall the exact date. Kept in original condition, even with the awkwardly rhyming couplets!

Our office was quiet,  
Our phone did not ring.  
So we sat at my desk,  
Eating Ring-Dings.

I sat there with Scully  
She was taking small sips,  
From her carton of milk  
And I was watching her lips.

I must have been staring,  
Because her eyes flashed ice blue.  
"You better quit staring, Mulder,  
You _know_ I will hurt you."

"Sorry," I told her,  
"I guess I'm just bored,  
I miss our great cases..."  
And Scully said, "Oh, Lord!!!"

"No mutants, Mulder!  
No man-eating snakes!  
No creepies or crawlies!  
And no walking fish-bait!"

"I don't miss the aliens  
Or the conspiracies either.  
I, for one," she said,  
"Am glad for a breather!"

"But I do not like it," I said,  
"Not one little bit,  
All I do is sit, sit, sit...  
I'm tired of this shit!"

But then we heard a noise.  
It was outside the door.  
A noise kind of scary;  
We've never heard it before.

Then Scully jumped up,  
(She was quicker than me),  
She pulled out her gun,  
And clicked off the safety.

"You at the door!" she yelled,  
"Come in -- do it slowly!  
Make any sudden moves,  
And I'll shoot off your knees!"

We looked!  
We saw him step in, then he sat.  
We looked!  
And we saw him!  
The Rat (Boy) in the Hat!  
And he said to me,  
"Why do you sit there like that?"

He was wearing black leather,  
And a blue baseball cap.  
He had only one arm.  
It was Krycek, The Rat!

"You killed my father!" I yelled,  
"And Duane Barry, too!  
You're a pain in the ass,  
And you kissed me, ewwww!"

"Shut up!"  
The Rat spat.  
"Shut up!"  
said The Rat (Boy) in the Hat.  
"I came for her..."  
said The Rat, his voice flat.  
And he pointed  
To where Scully sat.

"Oooohh...for me?" she cooed.  
"You're so nicely tanned,  
God, you're so handsome up close!  
I'd like a man with one hand!"

"And I loooove black leather.  
Russian sure turns me on,  
So I really don't care  
You're the Consortium's pawn."

"I can ignore Duane Barry,  
And that _Piper Maru_ ,  
Why, I can even forget  
That blonde bimbo, too!"

"You're really quite handsome.  
You'll do, I suppose,  
And you're _much_ better looking  
Than Mulder, The Nose."

She said, "So what shall we do?  
You know, I haven't a clue.  
This is all so brand-new.  
I may need a walk-through!"

"We could eat some fondue.  
You can see my tattoo.  
Though I'd much rather pursue  
A down-dirty skiddoo!"

"I know some good games we could play,"  
whispered The Rat.  
"I know some new tricks,"  
teased The Rat in the blue baseball cap.  
"A _lot_ of good tricks,  
I will show them to you,  
Your Mulder  
Will not mind at all if I do."

But I said, "No! No!  
Make The Rat go away!  
Tell that Rat in the Hat  
You do _not_ want to...um...play!  
 _We_ belong together!  
Not you and The Rat!  
Don't you agree  
To Love and all that?"

"What?!!!"  
yelled Scully, clenching her fist.  
"What did you say?!!!"  
asked Scully, quite pissed.

"NOW you mention  
True love and bliss?  
When up until now  
It's been quickly dismissed?"

"Five years as partners,  
As close as can be,  
And not once the whole time  
Have you come on to me?"

"Oh, I've heard the one-liners,  
And the humorous quips.  
But your heart wasn't into  
A true relationship."

"Do you love me, Mulder?  
I sure have my doubts  
Perhaps it's about time  
We get all of this out!!!"

"Must I follow you blindly  
As you go on your quest?  
Your sister, Samantha,  
Aliens, and the rest?"

"All the times that you ditched me  
And left me alone  
Never once did you call me;  
Remember cell phones?"

"And did you ever support me  
In the mysteries I believed?  
What, if I don't follow you,  
Then **I** must be deceived?"

"Your bad reputation  
Has reflected on me!  
I take the raps  
And you go scot-free!"

"I'm tired of this, Mulder.  
Now I have a good chance  
To be with a lover  
And get some romance."

"So, he's a Rat!  
Though he's got problems too,  
He's a hell of a lot less  
Complicated than you!"

"Y'know, while I'm at it,  
I will go all the way!  
There's just a few things  
More I should say!"

"I'm sick of your sister!  
I hate all your ties!  
Your hair looks so stupid!  
And I hate hazel eyes!"

"Always dropping your gun  
You run like a duck  
You fight like a wimp  
And your marksmanship sucks!"

"You whine too damn much  
You're so sensitive, ooh!  
And now due to you  
 **I** have no life, too!"

"So I'm leaving with RatBoy!  
I'm not guilty at all.  
If we're not busy later,  
 _Maybe_ I'll call."

"My rant is now finished.  
I touched my Inner Bitch.  
This, my dear Mulder,  
Is the **ULTIMATE** ditch!"

I looked right at Scully  
And didn't know what to say  
After five years together  
It was ending this way!

But she said nothing else.  
She went through the door.  
Then RatBoy turned back,  
To say something more.

"Mulder," he said,  
"Don't feel too bad!  
She has the better man!  
I wouldn't be sad!  
"I'll take care of her," he said.  
"Her every want and need.  
Anything she requests,  
Her desires I'll exceed.  
I'll buy her nice gifts,  
Like diamonds of blue,  
And we'll do things together  
She'd never thought she'd do.  
We'll have lots of fun,"  
said The Rat, quite enthralled,  
"But that is not all...  
Oh, no...  
That is not all!!!!"

The Rat laughed as he left,  
Through the door he had flown.  
My Scully was gone.  
So I sat down, alone.

The office was quiet,  
The phone did not ring.  
So I sat by myself,  
And ate her Ring-Ding.

I should have done something...  
Did I hesitate?  
Nah, forget it, I thought.  
It was already too late.

Maybe The Rat  
In the blue baseball cap  
Maybe The Rat in the Hat  
Will bring Scully back!

Yeah, that's it!  
I'll be calm and composed,  
Then I'll punch that Rat bastard  
Square in the nose!

What should I do  
Until she returns?  
 _Now_ what should I do?  
Well...  
What would _you_ do  
If your Scully left you?


End file.
